My bleeding heart

A little personal peek into my head here. It’s been three weeks since I posted last and though my silence may not have been noticed by you, it’s been really bothering me. But every time I sit down to try and create a cogent argument or an informative observation, I hear a “voice” asking me, why should anyone care what you think? And I hear, you know you’re not going to be able to do this, you always get stuck. Or…really? Is this what God wants you to do? Go clean the kitchen.

So, here I am at my desk at 5:30am staring at a mostly blank white box, wanting to go back to bed but feeling like if I don’t write something now I may never write again.

I don’t know how other bloggers and writers go though the creative process, but perhaps a contributing factor to my lack of confidence is a sense that everyone else simply has to put their fingertips to the keyboard and the words just flow. My good friend and blogger elisariva posts a well thought out, well written, and encouraging post just about, if not every day. I admire her and so many others who regularly make an impact by sharing wisdom they have acquired. Yes, I think I too have made an impact occasionally, but am I more often neglecting or “burying” a talent God has given me because I’m listening to voices not of Him and lack trust in His enabling?

When I ponder my frustration with my poor productivity, I usually make the excuse that it’s hard to find the time with all my “real” responsibilities. But, honestly, I never expected to post daily and I have hours throughout the week when I could be writing. It’s just that when I do sit down to do it, I usually get stymied, discouraged by the voices, and I let distractions turn my attention to other things.

Part of my problem also is that I don’t really know what I think about a subject until I force myself to try and express it. An interview with an author in a national magazine recently greatly encouraged me when I read her making that very same observation. So, okay, I’m not so different from other writers maybe. But the trying so often gets short-circuited by the barriers and glitches noted above.

Maybe my problem is less a lack of ability and confidence and more a lack of determination and perseverance. It’s an issue of my will. But 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “…for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” The word translated “fear” can also mean timidity. So if I am believing God’s Word, I must acknowledge that a timid, fearful spirit is not of Him and must be rejected. And that’s a volitional act, not something that I should expect will just happen to me.

So, praise God, He got me up early this morning and pricked my heart to stay up and stare at this box, now mostly filled with honest expressions my heart has been needing to bleed. And it’s been a bloody good exercise.  🙂 As my good friend, the physical training nut buff will attest, I hate exercise. But I think I can commit to this kind. It may not be beneficial to my body, but I know it is to my soul. And no matter how much we work out, our bodies are still wasting away. But the soul lives forever.