My bleeding heart
A little personal peek into my head here. It’s been three weeks since I posted last and though my silence may not have been noticed by you, it’s been really bothering me. But every time I sit down to try and create a cogent argument or an informative observation, I hear a “voice” asking me, why should anyone care what you think? And I hear, you know you’re not going to be able to do this, you always get stuck. Or…really? Is this what God wants you to do? Go clean the kitchen.
So, here I am at my desk at 5:30am staring at a mostly blank white box, wanting to go back to bed but feeling like if I don’t write something now I may never write again.
I don’t know how other bloggers and writers go though the creative process, but perhaps a contributing factor to my lack of confidence is a sense that everyone else simply has to put their fingertips to the keyboard and the words just flow. My good friend and blogger elisariva posts a well thought out, well written, and encouraging post just about, if not every day. I admire her and so many others who regularly make an impact by sharing wisdom they have acquired. Yes, I think I too have made an impact occasionally, but am I more often neglecting or “burying” a talent God has given me because I’m listening to voices not of Him and lack trust in His enabling?
When I ponder my frustration with my poor productivity, I usually make the excuse that it’s hard to find the time with all my “real” responsibilities. But, honestly, I never expected to post daily and I have hours throughout the week when I could be writing. It’s just that when I do sit down to do it, I usually get stymied, discouraged by the voices, and I let distractions turn my attention to other things.
Part of my problem also is that I don’t really know what I think about a subject until I force myself to try and express it. An interview with an author in a national magazine recently greatly encouraged me when I read her making that very same observation. So, okay, I’m not so different from other writers maybe. But the trying so often gets short-circuited by the barriers and glitches noted above.
Maybe my problem is less a lack of ability and confidence and more a lack of determination and perseverance. It’s an issue of my will. But 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “…for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” The word translated “fear” can also mean timidity. So if I am believing God’s Word, I must acknowledge that a timid, fearful spirit is not of Him and must be rejected. And that’s a volitional act, not something that I should expect will just happen to me.
So, praise God, He got me up early this morning and pricked my heart to stay up and stare at this box, now mostly filled with honest expressions my heart has been needing to bleed. And it’s been a bloody good exercise. 🙂 As my good friend, the physical training nut buff will attest, I hate exercise. But I think I can commit to this kind. It may not be beneficial to my body, but I know it is to my soul. And no matter how much we work out, our bodies are still wasting away. But the soul lives forever.
I perk up when I see the “new post” email in my inbox from you – so there is at least one person out there that cares about what you have to say. 😉
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My first reaction to your comment….no way! Thanks so much, Jill, for this encouragement. You made my day 🙂
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If I listened to the voices in my head, I would never make it to the pool, get on the bike, or take one step in running shoes. Nike hit on far more than sports with the phrase “just do it.” Your post today covers fears and doubts I am sure most people have but you are brave enough to admit it! I have missed your posts and should have said something. I didn’t want to put pressure on you. Share your heart, it is beautiful. Thank you for the mention! 🙂
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Thank you for the inspiration, my dear. It helps a lot!
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Caroline, please never stop writing. Though we may disagree on many issues, your insights and comments are always welcomed and appreciated.
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Thanks, T. I appreciate your kind encouragement. And I greatly value having good relationships with others holding opposing viewpoints. Now, if the whole world could only be like us, huh? 😉
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We’ll just continue to try and set a positive example. Maybe the world will follow suit. 🙂
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Wow- those thoughts you expressed could have came right out of my head! I have the same issue with writing- putting it off, listening to those ‘voices’, etc. But, when I finally sit down and do it, I feel better, and I’m glad i did it. Like you said- ‘praise God!’
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Thanks for your comment, Michele. It’s really great to know we’re not alone, isn’t it? I am SO glad I listened to the Spirit and did not get back into bed this morning!
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You are gifted. Accept. It.
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That IS what I need to do, isn’t it? If an ability to express truth is my gift from God, then I need to accept it and use it for His glory. Thanks, Peg.
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2 Timothy 1:7 is the verse I live by. I am a competitive Irish dancer and that verse gets me through every single competition. God showed it to me about a year ago when i was considering skipping a competition because I was so nervous. I am so glad you posted about this; continue to use your talent of writing. I recently followed you and you are so to the point. You don’t water anything down and you say it clearly in a way that a teenager can understand. Thanks and God bless!
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Thank you SO much for your comments. These little encouragements help so much. And may I encourage YOU to continue to use your gifts for God’s glory. We honor Him when we do and it becomes a real blessing to us. 🙂
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